Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Echoing Breaths

weheartit.com

I've never been so tired. I've never felt as lonely as I do right now. I didn't think that I would want to give up. But today, I cannot recognize myself. I can't face anything. And nor can I run. I'm trapped within myself, and no matter how hard I try, there is no escape.

The house echoes. It reflects the loneliness that surrounds me. It understands the pain that I carry. I sit and stare at the empty space that has wrapped me within it. I sit and stare. That is the only thing I do, and I don't even know why. There is nothing around me, and yet I feel trapped. The emptiness gradually starts to suffocate me. It's in my blood, in my heart and it makes my breath heavy. 
The echo is my only companion and my shadow is the only moving thing around.
The stars sing to me every night while the moon light tries to comfort me. The sun is the only warmth I get. But none of this makes any difference. I'm cold, frozen, and nothing helps. 
My eyes are desperate for someone known. My heart is tired, and I can no longer breathe alone. I just want someone to hold me and get me out of this place. 
I keep looking out of the window. The doors are all open, but nobody ever walks in. 
I don't blink. I keep looking out, letting the tears flow. My nails dig into my skin and when I can't handle it any more, I scream and run out. My body feels heavy as it moves. My throat pains and my head spins. But I don't stop. I run till I can. I just want to get away. I finally drop to the ground, feeling dead. Am I dead?
But on waking up, I find myself back to the same place. I am trapped. The echoes are back. I can never be free, nobody can ever find me. My shadow continues to cling to me. 

I breathe alone, while my heart sighs. 

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

The Little Match Girl

Image from here

What am I doing, I don’t know. 
What would I like to do, I no longer know..
I’m just sitting and watching everything pass by. 

I’m just sitting, doing nothing. 
My visions are lost and I can’t seem to find myself.

People pass me. 
I sit in the corner of the street and wonder
If any one of them feels the way I do. 

I was once like them. 
Moving.
But now, I’ve come to a standstill.
Lost I feel, 
And I don’t know which way I’m supposed to take. 

I’m cold and tired, 
But I cannot move.
I cannot think. 

I cannot find myself.

I feel dead and lost. 
No summer breeze blows around me any longer.
I’m just wrapped up in winter.
Lifeless, and cold..
I’m in the dark 
And no matter how many matches I light, 
I get no warmth. 

And no matter how many matches I light,
They show me nothing apart from my broken dreams.

I have no support now.
I’m frozen.
And it’s too late to break free. 
Trapped I am. 
I’ve lost myself in the crowd that passes me all the time.
And I just sit and try to find,
But I don’t see myself anywhere.

Where am I?
Where is my life?
Where is my smile?

I hear laughter.
It echoes.
I hear my laughter..
But when I look around, I don’t find it. 
I cannot grab it.

My heart echoes..
It’s empty without my laughter. 
But I cannot see it anywhere. 

I’m tired of searching. 

And now,
My matches are over
And my smile is lost.

Will I ever find it?
I don’t know.

I don’t know anything
Any longer.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Withering Away..

Picture from here

It is time.
I know it is.
I want to get up, but my body refuses to move. I try calling out, but my voice betrays me. Closing my eyes, I listen to my heart beat. still breathing..but deep down I was already dead. 
I can't fight any more. It's nature's call for me, and I have to abide. 

I slowly manage to turn my head towards the left. Everything looks hazy, but I can see my grand daughter scribbling on the walls of the room. I naturally smile, my heart lightens. I was once just like her. Carefree and young. I had life in me. But now.. Lifeless I feel, just like a flower, slowly withering away. My fragrance, lost.
I look outside the window. If I could, then I would capture everything I see. Unclear they are, but at least I can see. The birds chirp, and the atmosphere gradually cools. 
It is evening. Time to return home, and the same applied to me. As the sun slowly begins to set, the colours blind me..and I start to drift away.
My journey had begun.
Shades of yellow are slowly enveloped by those of orange, just like my youth was gradually taken over by old age. Life goes on, and change is inevitable. 
Transition.. I was always scared to face what lay beyond. But now, lying here, I watch the colours change..silently, counting every breath of mine. Feeling each heart beat.

Yellow..still breathing.
Orange..still alive.
Red.. 
And then, it all went black.

They're moving me, touching me. But I feel nothing. I smell fragrance, I hear sounds.
But I feel empty, my soul - light. 
I carry no burden, no possession. Slowly I begin to drift into the universe. And then, I see light..and I know that this is not the end. There is nothing to fear.
Tomorrow, the sun will rise again, and soon I will bloom again. 
Till then, I will fly with the wind..cherishing the life I was gifted with. 
...



Monday, July 23, 2012

Take Me In



Image from: here

 Heads turn around when I walk.
I bend down,
Giving them a good show.

I tie my hair up,
My neck revealing my availability, 
Open shirt buttons
Screams- 
‘Come get me’.

Legs hitched up over the table,
Smoke coming out within my red lips.
All eyes on me,
Well, who wouldn’t want me!

People surround me.
Boys want to get in with me.
Money I have,
The assets- plenty!

The day passes,
I smile all through it.
But as the dark approaches,
Lonely I start to feel.

A home I haven’t got,
Love never came to me..
Looking at my reflection,
I don’t recognize whom I see.

Tired I feel,
Lost I totally am.
If I cry,
Who’ll hold me?

The world spins,
As I inject some more life into me.

Slowly I drift away..

To a world,
Where I believe I’m meant to be.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Foolish Us-Evil World

Source: shyaanspoems.blogspot.com


People are selfish, and we are foolish.
When we realize this, too late it is.
We are already used, 
And the person- gone.

The world is unfair, and we are like its puppets.
Before we realize this, the evil gets to us.
Dead we feel.
Lost we become.

Many try to put us down, and yes they do succeed.
Not because they have a mastermind,
But 
Because of our loser hearts.

Cry we can, give up like we always do.
But why?
Try to come up,
What is there to lose?

Strong we are,
We just need to believe.
Puppets we are
But you can always cut the strings! 

Dance to your own tunes,
Faith- Have in you.
Afraid- you mustn’t be.
And watch how you come up, if you have the right will.

People are selfish, and we are the biggest fools,
The world is unfair, and we are its puppets..
But why dance to all of it?

Make your own beats,
Strike the right chords
And make a life of your own.

After all music is filled with variety,
And you can become one of the finest piece!

Monday, July 2, 2012

Gone With The Rain

Image from weheartit.com

I quickly wear my clothes and wrap myself in the shawl I always carry around. It is late. Way late than it always got. Samuel hands me the money as I walk out of the door. 

Its cold outside and the lanes are empty and quiet. The clicking of my heels is the only sound I hear. I wrap my arms around myself tighter. I clinch the money firmly in my hands as I walk faster. My phone does not stop beeping. It’s him. 
I don’t answer. I have no answers for his questions. Or maybe I do. But they aren’t the ones he’d take in, or the ones that I would be able to tell. The phone does not stop ringing. I switch it off and dump it inside my tattered bag. It’s torn and dirty, just like I am. Maybe I’ll soon buy a new bag now that I have some money. But can I replace myself?
I don’t blame him for calling. He’s worried. Well, he would be because of my disappearance of every night. But then, I can tell him nothing. We are both from two different worlds and the truth I cannot tell, at least not now. I need to wait for the perfect time. The time that I don’t know when will arrive. 
I keep walking. It starts to rain. My make up starts to shed. 

I like the rain. I like how it drenches me. I like to believe that it cleans me. 

I don’t look for any shelter.
I throw my bag aside and unwrap myself. Letting my hair lose, I close my eyes and stand. I run my hands through my face. I’m tired. The money is wet. It looks useless. Taking one last look at it, I let it fly with the wind. 
Picking up my heels in my hands, I take off. I run. 
I run away from my past.
Tomorrow, I will start again. And if I feel trapped once again, then I’ll wait for it to rain once more. 
For now, I’m clean and my past is erased. 
Yes, tomorrow brings a new beginning and I will run to grab it before its too late.
***

Monday, June 25, 2012



Warm touch, Caressed love.
In your enveloping arms
I die.


Warm lips, firm grip.
When you lift me up,
I come alive.


Closed eyes,
Your breath is all I feel
Surrounded by you,
That is the only place I want to be.


Undying love
You make me strong..


Your one touch
Can bring me back to life

Friday, June 8, 2012

Knickers and Love (Part 2)

Picture from the movie The Uninvited



“Su, lets click a picture!” 
I keep all the shopping bags aside and stand besides her. 
We grin into the camera.
“Nice! Now keep clicking my pictures in every dress I try.” Sania thumps the camera into my hands and locks herself back in the trial room. 
I look at our picture and smile. 

“How do I look?” 
“You know you look great, don’t you?” I say, looking up from the book my head was buried into.
“No, my hair looks bad. I want my hair to be like yours. Do something about it, will you?” Sania sulks and sits down besides me. 
I comb the strands of her hair and twist it into a bun. 
“So, where is that gentleman taking you?” I ask.
“Don’t know yet. It’s a surprise.” She says smiling. “Thanks for doing the hair.” 
“Have fun!”

“We kissed. And it was amazing.” I open my eyes and see Sania sitting besides me. I roll over and sleep again.
“Su. Talk to me. I need to tell you the details.” She tugs at me to get up. 
“Tomorrow please. I’m tired.”
“Fine. Be a bitch!” She says. She hugs me and falls asleep. I eventually hug her back.

Sisters are supposed to be close, right? 
Soul mates. Best friends. Soul sisters.. They are meant to be everything. But it was different with Sania and me. 
We were never close. She led her own life, and I led mine. Rarely any secrets sharing, no crying with each other during break ups, no mutual friends, no nail painting together. We were just sisters. Well that is what I always thought.

The days passed. And so did months. 
The house got busier day by day and Sania grew happier. 
Soon the big day was about to arrive.

Coming next: Final Part :)
Meanwhile check out Gotye: Somebody That I Used To Know

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Blank Pages..

This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 28; the 28th Edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton. The topic for this month is 'BLANK PAGES'.
Picture from Google


It’s funny 
How people change with time, or rather how we do. Traits that we never knew about suddenly start to surface, and then the relationship starts to get blurry. Long talks are replaced by short conversations, and those friendly warm hugs are replaced with formal ones. What went wrong, we never seem to figure out, nor do we try to mend things. Our minds remain firm, our ego keeps rising. But our hearts? They feel empty. 

It’s funny 
How easily we tend to walk away, or rather how we can watch someone else walk away from our lives. We make somebody feel worthless, or we watch ourselves getting stabbed. When we leave, we tell the other person to hold himself or herself together and to remain strong. But when we are told the same things, we can’t stop our hearts from breaking.

We turn our backs to things and simply walk away from them, thinking that we’ll never have to face them again. But is that really the case? 

It’s funny 
How years later, when we come across those broken relationships, we cannot meet the eyes of the people who once meant so much to us. We let go so easily, but coming across those broken pieces once again, leaves us with nothing but a heavy sigh.

Looking at their faces, unable to understand what it’s trying to convey to us, it’s funny how we easily fake a smile and then simply walk away. 
In the end, we’re like nothing but a blank page. We go around writing and erasing our lives. We fly from one place to another, and even if we get soaked, how does it matter? We’re blank. What is there to lose?  

The fellow Blog-a-Tonics who took part in this Blog-a-Ton and links to their respective posts can be checked here. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Knickers and Love: Part 1

Image from: fanpop.com

“Open up!” She screams.
“What do you want?” I scream back.
“Open up now else watch how I get you screwed.” 
I sigh and get up. 
Some people just don’t change..

Sania stands in front of me. She looks beautiful in the sari mum purchased for her. She looks grown up. It’s weird. 
She barges into my room. “Ah, look at you. You look like a tramp. Do something with your hair for heaven’s sake.” She says, picking at the strands of my hair. 
“Let go of me. What do you want?” I push her away and stare at her angrily. 
“In case you remember, Rahul’s coming over today. You better behave.” 
“Fuck off Sania. You’re the ill mannered bitch.” I scream.

“Girls! What’s going on?” My mother walks in. 
“Nothing” The two of us say, together. 

“So, no telling Rahul that I cheated on him while he was away.” 
“What else?” I ask. I knew this was coming up. 
“Nor are you telling him that I peed in front of the boys that night just to show them that men don’t rule the roads.” 
“And don’t even mention about me removing my knickers and dancing on the table!” 
I stare at her. 
She, my sister, was unbelievable! 
“Do you get it?”
“Yes, now get out.” I say.
“And yea, please wear something good. Don’t embarrass me today at least.”

I flop on to my bed as Sania leaves. I hoped that she fell on her head cause of those high heels that she was wearing.

But no, Sania didn’t fall, and no, Rahul didn’t relaise that there was a devil inside her.
She did her sweet routine, batting her eyelashes at him every now and then, and laughing at every lame joke he cracked. 
My devil sister managed to work her charm, and soon the sweets were distributed.
I was happy. Finally she would be out of the house, and I would not have to live with her. No more torture, no more of having her around.

(to be continued)

Monday, May 21, 2012

Caressed (Part 4)



News came. I don’t know how I heard it, but I did. And I couldn’t digest it. It couldn’t be real.


I stand in the corner wearing a black dress. It’s raining. I let myself get wet. I can’t go close to anybody. George is lying in a black coffin, far away from me. Soldiers surround the coffin. People salute as the coffin is buried. I can’t see it all. I run away to the woods and remain there, just hoping that George would return somehow. 

Months passed and so did years. 
George always said that time would heal the pain. It didn’t. I loved him and I still do. 
He left but he gave me a part of him. 

Jake holds my hands tightly as we walk to the graveyard. He’s four. It’s his first visit to his father.
I kiss the grave softly and tears start filling up my eyes. Jake sits down on my lap and wipes my eyes. “Dad is looking at us mom. We have to be brave like he was.” He looks into my eyes and kisses my forehead. 
The sun shines on us. The light highlights Jake’s blonde hair that was cut short. Just like his father’s. I hold him tightly and we sit there for hours. He was just like George and he is ours. 
...

Thank you for all your lovely comments and appreciations :) 

Love,
Philo 

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Caressed (Part 3)..



I’ve known George since I was seven. We grew up together. Later, I fell for him. But for him, I was nothing apart from a neighbour and someone who he ran to when his assignments needed completion. He was rich, spoilt. He had girls all around him. We lead different lives. And then, one fine day, he left for his training. We hardly saw each other after that. I tried to forget about him. I went out with different men, but no, none could get George out of my mind. And so, I am twenty-one and have liked just one boy. 

“Aren’t you scared of dying?” I ask. 
“I’ve learnt to let go of my fears. With time, everything heals.” He holds my hands as we walk.
“When are you leaving?” I ask him. 
“In two days.”  
We walk in silence after that. I want to remain that way with him, besides me. I don’t want him to leave. 

The next two days pass by very quickly. I spend every second I could with George. We spent the days roaming around, swimming in the waterfall, going for long drives and making love. By the end of the two days, I knew every scare of his body, and he knew every curve of mine. I hadn’t given myself to any other guy the way I gave in to him. 

My heart skips a beat when you come close to me, and when you put your arms around me, I can’t breathe. I just want to stay that way, not wanting to let go off you. 
But you leave… You let go off my hands, and turn away from me. You leave me scared. My mind goes blank. My heart-empty

I watch George fade away. He turns back to look at me, but I can’t see him. My gaze becomes hazy. I run into the washroom and stay there for hours. 

Months passed and there was no sign of George. We were all worried. The radio was on all the time. News kept coming about all those who died. I kept my fingers crossed and hoped with all my heart that he wasn’t next. I had to see him. He had to come back to me. 

He wasn’t scared. But I was. I didn’t want to lose him.
...

Coming next: Final part

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Caressed.. (Part 2)


George.
Yes, this boy made me go weak on my knees, and gave me goose bumps and butterflies at the same time. The last time I forced myself away from he, he left. And I secretly waited for his return. And now he was back. 
I braid my hair and tie a ribbon around it. Slipping into my new lace dress, I dab some powder on my face and slip into my heels. 
“So you really are back.” I say, on finding him waiting outside my room. “I thought of giving you another chance actually.” He winks at me and offers me his hand. Looking past his hand and taking my eyes off him, I walk away.  
The evening passes easily, though I had a bit too much to drink. I tried to keep myself away from George, but it was next to impossible to do so. I kept looking at him. The blaze of the fire highlighted his blonde hair that was now cut short. The white shirt fit him perfectly, and his smile… My eyes refused to move away from him, and my heart couldn’t stop fluttering. 
“Fancy a dance?” He lends his hands out to me and breathes into my ears. Without any hesitation, I bury my head into his arms and sway to the music. “I missed you.” He says looking down at me, and lifting up my chin. His lips felt warm as they touched mine. We danced the night away. He later carried me up to my room and put me off to sleep. 

“Kate! George is here. Get up” My sister screamed into my ears once again. “Why would I want to see him?” I cover my head with my blanket and kick Mia off my bed. “Cause you, Kate, kissed George last night.” 
“What?” I sit up on my bed and stare at Mia. “I kissed George? When?”
“Don’t tell me that you really don’t remember a thing” Mia grins at me and walks away. 
“Send him away please.” I yell and fall asleep once again. 
Why did I drink so much? Why was George all over my mind?

I wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of the stones hitting my windowpane. 
“Hey Kate” he grins at me.
“What do you think you’re doing on top of a tree at this time of the night?” I yawn and pull down the curtains, hoping that he’d go away. But the sounds didn’t stop. 
“Be careful. You might fall.” I say.
“I’m used to all of this.” He says, as he climbs into my room. 
“My father will kill us if he gets to know. You do realize that, right?” Avoiding my question, George pushes me on my bed, and comes over me. “The last time when you ran away from me, I was on top of you. Where will you run now Kate?” He looks into my eyes and I hold on to his gaze. 
I don’t stop him from kissing me. I run my hands over his bruised chest and back. I let him warm my body. We cuddle into each other and spend the entire night just being with each other. 
“I love you Kate.” He says in the morning as he slips out of the window. I close my eyes, unable to believe what all had just happened. 
...


Part 3 coming up next.
Picture: Google