Monday, June 17, 2013

Just Another Woman In Love.. Part 2

Image from One Tree Hill

He never told me about his wife, and nor did I ask him. In fact, I knew nothing about his life. I just wanted to be around him. We’d walk in the park at night once he was done with his work. We’d sit and talk, and we’d make some more love. Behind the bushes, in the tree house of the park, in the bar and sometimes in my apartment. He never took me back to his place, and I figured that his wife was back home.

She often called while we were together. He often avoided the calls, often said that he was in a meeting and would be late. But he also often walked away from me to talk to her. I didn’t like the secretive behaviour. But I liked having him around me. I liked the way he felt.

“Tell me about your wife.” I asked.
“Why do you want to know?” He laughed.

I say nothing for a while.

“Do you think that I could be your wife someday?” I gradually ask, waiting for an answer. He just laughs, kissing my shoulders.

“I like being with you, but you need to know that we can have nothing more than this. Okay?”

I close my eyes and nod. I try to stop the tears from flowing.

I lie in the dark with him. His grip is tight around me, and I feel so weak in front of him.

I waited all night for him. He said that he’d come, but he didn’t. I cooked for him, dressed up.. But he just didn’t come. 
I spent the night smoking away in the balcony. And for once, I felt very alone.
“You didn’t come.” I said, when he walks inside the apartment.

“I was busy.” He says, as he comes closer to kiss me.

“Busy with what?” I push him away from me.
“That’s not your concern.” He pulls me closer to him and starts to kiss me again. I want to walk away, but I can’t. When I don’t respond to him, he lets go off my hand.

“I have a daughter. She’s six. It was her birthday. I’m sorry I couldn’t come to you.” He says.

“You have a daughter?” I was shocked, though I didn’t have any reason to be shocked.
He was a married man. It should have been obvious that he had a family. I walk away from him and lock myself in the washroom.

I stay in there for a long time.

“Mummy, where is daddy?” I ask.
My mother says nothing. I ask again and again, but she does not respond. She’s crying. It gets louder, and I don’t know what to do.
“He’s gone. Your daddy left us for another woman.” She gradually says.


I wake up. I cannot see that dream any longer. It’s haunting. I cannot be like the woman who broke my family apart.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Just Another Woman In Love.. (Part 1)

Image from One Tree Hill

I move away from the door. The banging increases, his voice becomes louder, more fierce. I slowly inch away, though my feet don’t seem to move. I shut every window, every door, till I’m finally in my room. I can hear him no longer, but nor do I feel safe. For it was only in his arms, where I seemed to belong... 
I wrap my arms with the thin scarf. The setting winter breeze gives me the chills, and I’m unable to protect myself. I run into the small bar and sit down, hoping that I could get some warmth.

As I sip my coffee, I see a man staring at me. Or rather, staring right through me. He sighs as he sees me look towards him. I look away and sip my coffee. I hum along the song that plays.

I was used to this. Sitting alone, eating alone.. Solace was all around me, even though I always had people surrounding me. I never longed for the presence of someone else. I was perfectly fine being on my own.

“Good song, right?” He asks, interrupting my thoughts.

I just nod, and then get back to my coffee.
“Mind if I sit here?” He asks again.

I shrug. I didn’t want any company, but he looked sad. He sits down on the opposite side and starts to read the newspaper.

I was used to this too. Men eyed me everywhere. They always wanted me, and yes, I did give myself to them. I found happiness in satisfying them. With them, I never felt alone. And once it was over, I didn’t contact them again. I knew what this man wanted from me. It was pretty obvious. But for a change, he made my insides twist too.

I glance up now and again, taking a good look at him - Broad shoulders, dark eyes, unshaved chin, messy hair, and a slight frown. He notices me look at him. I blush and look down, noticing a ring on his finger.

“Your wife must be waiting. Don’t you think it’s late?” I ask, with a laugh.

“Haha no. She’s out of town, and the house just feels very empty.” He says.
“Do you want a drink?” I ask.

He smiles, and then I slide in besides him.

One drink turns into two, and then we gradually lose track. We laugh, talk, drink and dance a little. The place is empty now. Our voices echo, and my body no longer shiver. “Do you want to get out of here?” he asks. I nod my head and let him guide me out.

He takes me to his place. We drink some more, laugh a little more, and then I gradually feel his heavy breath on my skin. His smell lingers around me, and I wrap myself around his warm body. I didn’t want to get up.

Sleeping around, yes. Done that, plenty of times. Holding someone and sleeping? No, he was the first one. He made me feel different.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

From: Dirty Dancing

Your grip tightens, as you pull me closer.
Our eyes lock
While time seems frozen.

A step closer

You turn me around

I run 
Right into your arms.

With our bodies close enough,
Close enough..
To feel you breathe

Closing my eyes, I sway..
To wherever you lead. 

The perfect moves you make me take
And those looks..

They make me melt

Transfixed I am
To this dance of ours
And to you

I surrender, my whole.

The music starts to fade, 
While the lights gradually dim

Bringing me to face you
Sliding into your arms

Letting the dance end.

So close,
I cannot breathe..
Your heart fastens
While mine skips plenty of beats;

Looking at you,
Eyes once again locking..

Smiling and wondering
If you feel the same.

Standing in the dark
Still enveloped within your arms,
The applause we shut

My eyes slowly close
While you..

Turn me around once again

Letting the dance
Never end.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Tripping Cause I'm Clumsy :)

picture from: here

They say that we suddenly grow up at a point, without realizing. 

We suddenly stop doing what we always have been doing and we take a break to think. And then we change the gears and let go of all the stupidity. 
We may not like it in the beginning, but this break is required. We need to sort ourselves out, and I think that this is what I’ve been trying to do from the past few weeks.

I’ve heard that college changes people. Tomboyish girls start to wear make up, and the nerds start to bunk classes, while the desperate ones are all over each other. No hard feelings, but this is what happens.
I’ve been thinking about which category I lie in. And honestly, I’m clueless. While people around me are too busy attending some party or the other, or while uploading pictures on social networking sites, I’ve been so lost because none of these things seem appealing to me any longer.
I don’t find the need of going to the washroom every now and then just to make sure that my hair is proper. I don’t want to buy the latest fashion clothes or suddenly walk in heels, because I know that I am sure to trip!

While the whole world around me is too busy trying on different masks and finding their way out, I’m happy shedding all the colours that I was once covered in. I don’t want to pretend or try to be cool. I just want to be myself. Whether people like me or not, I honestly no longer care.
I’ve felt so lost. But now when I look at the people around me, I think I’ve found my way through the maze at last. I’ve found myself while people are too busy losing themselves.

Are we that ashamed of ourselves that we need to change? Or are we that weak to let others change us into something we are not?

I believe that no matter how hard we try, or how many masks we wear, in the end of the day, we come back to being ourselves. We are all Plain Janes, in some way or the other, and it is all right to be plain instead of being pretentious.

Did I grow up too fast, or are the people around me a bit too immature? Well, I don’t want an answer to that. 
I’m just happy with the way things are right now. And next time I see a girl trip because of those heels, I’m just going to tell her that it’s high time she realizes that those shoes aren’t meant for her. And she should grab her pair before they wear out. 

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Echoing Breaths

I've never been so tired. I've never felt as lonely as I do right now. I didn't think that I would want to give up. But today, I cannot recognize myself. I can't face anything. And nor can I run. I'm trapped within myself, and no matter how hard I try, there is no escape.

The house echoes. It reflects the loneliness that surrounds me. It understands the pain that I carry. I sit and stare at the empty space that has wrapped me within it. I sit and stare. That is the only thing I do, and I don't even know why. There is nothing around me, and yet I feel trapped. The emptiness gradually starts to suffocate me. It's in my blood, in my heart and it makes my breath heavy. 
The echo is my only companion and my shadow is the only moving thing around.
The stars sing to me every night while the moon light tries to comfort me. The sun is the only warmth I get. But none of this makes any difference. I'm cold, frozen, and nothing helps. 
My eyes are desperate for someone known. My heart is tired, and I can no longer breathe alone. I just want someone to hold me and get me out of this place. 
I keep looking out of the window. The doors are all open, but nobody ever walks in. 
I don't blink. I keep looking out, letting the tears flow. My nails dig into my skin and when I can't handle it any more, I scream and run out. My body feels heavy as it moves. My throat pains and my head spins. But I don't stop. I run till I can. I just want to get away. I finally drop to the ground, feeling dead. Am I dead?
But on waking up, I find myself back to the same place. I am trapped. The echoes are back. I can never be free, nobody can ever find me. My shadow continues to cling to me. 

I breathe alone, while my heart sighs. 

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

The Little Match Girl

Image from here

What am I doing, I don’t know. 
What would I like to do, I no longer know..
I’m just sitting and watching everything pass by. 

I’m just sitting, doing nothing. 
My visions are lost and I can’t seem to find myself.

People pass me. 
I sit in the corner of the street and wonder
If any one of them feels the way I do. 

I was once like them. 
But now, I’ve come to a standstill.
Lost I feel, 
And I don’t know which way I’m supposed to take. 

I’m cold and tired, 
But I cannot move.
I cannot think. 

I cannot find myself.

I feel dead and lost. 
No summer breeze blows around me any longer.
I’m just wrapped up in winter.
Lifeless, and cold..
I’m in the dark 
And no matter how many matches I light, 
I get no warmth. 

And no matter how many matches I light,
They show me nothing apart from my broken dreams.

I have no support now.
I’m frozen.
And it’s too late to break free. 
Trapped I am. 
I’ve lost myself in the crowd that passes me all the time.
And I just sit and try to find,
But I don’t see myself anywhere.

Where am I?
Where is my life?
Where is my smile?

I hear laughter.
It echoes.
I hear my laughter..
But when I look around, I don’t find it. 
I cannot grab it.

My heart echoes..
It’s empty without my laughter. 
But I cannot see it anywhere. 

I’m tired of searching. 

And now,
My matches are over
And my smile is lost.

Will I ever find it?
I don’t know.

I don’t know anything
Any longer.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Withering Away..

Picture from here

It is time.
I know it is.
I want to get up, but my body refuses to move. I try calling out, but my voice betrays me. Closing my eyes, I listen to my heart beat. still breathing..but deep down I was already dead. 
I can't fight any more. It's nature's call for me, and I have to abide. 

I slowly manage to turn my head towards the left. Everything looks hazy, but I can see my grand daughter scribbling on the walls of the room. I naturally smile, my heart lightens. I was once just like her. Carefree and young. I had life in me. But now.. Lifeless I feel, just like a flower, slowly withering away. My fragrance, lost.
I look outside the window. If I could, then I would capture everything I see. Unclear they are, but at least I can see. The birds chirp, and the atmosphere gradually cools. 
It is evening. Time to return home, and the same applied to me. As the sun slowly begins to set, the colours blind me..and I start to drift away.
My journey had begun.
Shades of yellow are slowly enveloped by those of orange, just like my youth was gradually taken over by old age. Life goes on, and change is inevitable. 
Transition.. I was always scared to face what lay beyond. But now, lying here, I watch the colours change..silently, counting every breath of mine. Feeling each heart beat.

Yellow..still breathing.
Orange..still alive.
And then, it all went black.

They're moving me, touching me. But I feel nothing. I smell fragrance, I hear sounds.
But I feel empty, my soul - light. 
I carry no burden, no possession. Slowly I begin to drift into the universe. And then, I see light..and I know that this is not the end. There is nothing to fear.
Tomorrow, the sun will rise again, and soon I will bloom again. 
Till then, I will fly with the wind..cherishing the life I was gifted with. 

Monday, July 23, 2012

Take Me In

Image from: here

 Heads turn around when I walk.
I bend down,
Giving them a good show.

I tie my hair up,
My neck revealing my availability, 
Open shirt buttons
‘Come get me’.

Legs hitched up over the table,
Smoke coming out within my red lips.
All eyes on me,
Well, who wouldn’t want me!

People surround me.
Boys want to get in with me.
Money I have,
The assets- plenty!

The day passes,
I smile all through it.
But as the dark approaches,
Lonely I start to feel.

A home I haven’t got,
Love never came to me..
Looking at my reflection,
I don’t recognize whom I see.

Tired I feel,
Lost I totally am.
If I cry,
Who’ll hold me?

The world spins,
As I inject some more life into me.

Slowly I drift away..

To a world,
Where I believe I’m meant to be.