Losing Myself..Finding Me!

I didn’t know what I wanted in my life. I still don’t!
Just like every normal teenager, I was lost in the maze of my dreams.
I was confused in the mixture of my character that was a combination of what I actually was, what I wanted to be like and what people wanted me to be like.
Every one goes through a phase like this, and so did I.

And in the process of my change, I lost the real me.

I forgot who I really was. Most importantly, I forgot how to love the real me!

I had divided myself into three parts.

I was living three lives at a go and they were all bonded by nothing but ‘lies’.

My friends and the guys who made me feel like a princess became my soul companions.

I wanted to fit in, and so I tried to become everything they considered cool.

Listening to cool music, not caring about any thing in the world, sitting in cafes and smoking away! I was just so engrossed in wanting people to like me, that I applied everything they told me to myself! A part of me wanted to stop everything that I was doing, but I couldn’t…because a part of me was scared of rejection. I was what others wanted me to be.

Social networking addiction soon got into me. And, I realized that chat sites were a place where I could be whoever I wanted to, and the way I wanted myself to be. I created my own new identity and I was living a life where I was the way I wanted to be. Perfect, sophisticated and cool.

Soon my grades started slipping and my family started getting worried. They tried talking to me, but I pushed them away saying that I was fine.

A part of me wanted to let go off everything I was up to. I wanted to talk to someone. I was fed up of everything I was doing and I just wanted to rub it all off me. A new beginning I longed to seek.

Sometimes, at night, I would just wonder about who I really was and why was my life so jumbled up. I was so frustrated with my life, that at a point I wanted to give up.

With the help of a few genuine friends, I then decided to shed all the masks I was wearing for so long and be just the way I feel like being. With a lot of effort, I let go of the negativity that was building a hole in me and was suffocating me.

My first heartbreak soon followed when I started doing what my heart told me to. My family and my ‘true’ friends were my shoulders to cry on.

In my process of finding me, I have realized that lying is going to take me to nowhere. And, that there are very few people who actually love us for who we are. It’s better to stick to the ones who accept us just the way we are, rather than pretending to be someone we are not.

In this maze of life, it is very easy to get lost. But, it’s very difficult to get back to being who we really are.

I haven’t yet found myself. But, I have shed my masks. I have let go of the fears I lived with. I have people who love me just the way I am. And, most importantly, I am happy because I am alive! :)