“I don’t wanna hurt him anymore,
I don’t wanna take away his life...
I don’t wanna be a murderer.”
I lie on the crumpled bed sheet, alone.
I close my eyes, tighten my fist, and try to stop the guilt from growing, from eating me up. It wasn’t the first time. I should have been accustomed to all of this by now, but no I’m not. I don’t think I ever will…yet I continue to do so, and yet I lie in his arms, and crave for him when he’s not around.
The pictures appear in my mind. Flash backs. They always do after he leaves. And I always try to shut them from my mind. But it’s next to impossible. No, I don’t love him. I already have a lover, and he? He already has a family. It’s just the craving, the desperation, and the intense longing of being loved. He caresses me, he’s firm, strong, and I easily melt inside him. When he’s besides me, he is all I see. I don’t think about anything else. The world just seems beautiful when we lie next to each other, exhausted.
And then, he leaves. He does not kiss me goodbye. Nor does he hold my hands. He just leaves, saying that we’ll meet soon. He leaves me that way. Alone. That is when the guilt rushes in. It’s difficult to wash it off. It’s not love. It can’t be. I already have a lover, someone who loves me, who kisses me softly, who holds me, for whom I mean everything. But when I lie in his arms, I don’t melt. When he kisses me, I don’t feel that gush inside me.
Where as with him, I do…
“I don’t wanna do this anymore”
I wipe my tears, dress and change the bed sheet. I erase what all just happened. I shut the door and leave. I bury my sins till he comes over once again. Till then, I’ll lie with my lover. I’ll fake a smile. I’ll lie.
Yes, I’ll lie. And don’t ask me why.
Lyrics and title: Rihanna- Unfaithful