Saturday, January 21, 2012

Unfaithful

“I don’t wanna hurt him anymore,

I don’t wanna take away his life...

I don’t wanna be a murderer.”


I lie on the crumpled bed sheet, alone.


Naked.


I close my eyes, tighten my fist, and try to stop the guilt from growing, from eating me up. It wasn’t the first time. I should have been accustomed to all of this by now, but no I’m not. I don’t think I ever will…yet I continue to do so, and yet I lie in his arms, and crave for him when he’s not around.


The pictures appear in my mind. Flash backs. They always do after he leaves. And I always try to shut them from my mind. But it’s next to impossible. No, I don’t love him. I already have a lover, and he? He already has a family. It’s just the craving, the desperation, and the intense longing of being loved. He caresses me, he’s firm, strong, and I easily melt inside him. When he’s besides me, he is all I see. I don’t think about anything else. The world just seems beautiful when we lie next to each other, exhausted.

And then, he leaves. He does not kiss me goodbye. Nor does he hold my hands. He just leaves, saying that we’ll meet soon. He leaves me that way. Alone. That is when the guilt rushes in. It’s difficult to wash it off. It’s not love. It can’t be. I already have a lover, someone who loves me, who kisses me softly, who holds me, for whom I mean everything. But when I lie in his arms, I don’t melt. When he kisses me, I don’t feel that gush inside me.

Where as with him, I do…


“I don’t wanna do this anymore”


I wipe my tears, dress and change the bed sheet. I erase what all just happened. I shut the door and leave. I bury my sins till he comes over once again. Till then, I’ll lie with my lover. I’ll fake a smile. I’ll lie.

Yes, I’ll lie. And don’t ask me why.

..........


Picture: Google.

Lyrics and title: Rihanna- Unfaithful

55 comments:

  1. it was a good read...
    but the thing is half the writeup is covered by the side widgets :/
    and also you used 'SHEEP' instead of 'SLEEP'
    Great story!!

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    1. Yes, I changed the format. Thank you for pointing out the error :)

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  2. Philo,

    State and consequences of unsatiated in love told so clearly.

    Take care

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  3. powerful piece of writing. That is also one of my favorite songs.

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    1. It is one of my favourite songs too. Thank you for the visit :)

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  4. ugh...all too real...and you put us right in that feeling...guilt makes a terrible bed fellow...

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  5. OMG!!! This is wonderful!! I loved it....you write so well!! Keep writing!
    Have a lovely evening!
    Keep Smiling.... :)

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    1. Thank you so much :) You too have a great time!

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  6. a Very moving piece- as was said in earlier comments - you take us right to the feeling of guilt. Excellent writing.

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  7. You had to write on this song, didn't you now? Okay, so that was an offhand remark.

    It's well-written as always. :D

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    1. I was listening to it, that's why I wrote about it :D

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  8. wow.. !! A wonderful read.. insatiable desires explained so awesomely.. !! Loved it !

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  9. You described very well what feeling guilty means...

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  10. Liked the way you write everything but ....

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    1. Thank you. I have replied to you on your blog :)

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  11. Well this brought back some unpleasant memories...

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    1. The ones we bury and try to wash, eh :) Thank you for reading.

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  12. The guilty feeling when we have to pretend to love someone when we really don't .. and the tragedy of not being with the one we love.. you have explicated it very well! :)

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  13. Juhi, you have captured that feeling of unfaithfulness and guilt, So well! Very well expressed!

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  14. Oh Wow! This is so amazing! I can relate with this, oh.. why oh why.. someone loves me so much, but why I can't feel the love that I'm feeling with this other man..oh ..:(

    Anyway, aaahhhhhhh..! I love this post!! :) Thanks for sharing ! :) Smile..:)

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  15. Hello Philo.
    Forbidden fruit is always the sweetest, BUT nobody wins in this situation. Both are using each other for the exciting satisfaction of lust...not love. Guilt is indeed a bitter pill to swallow.
    A vivid & beautifully expressed piece of writing.
    Well done!
    Thanks for sharing & visiting. Always a pleasure to have you stop by my blog.

    {This Moment} #2

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  16. one of my favorite songs, and u've written this well :)

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  17. Woowww... you have so beautifully scribbled the anguish, the confusion and the guilt.... Sometimes you know its wrong, but still you cant stop doing that... lust is one such stuff...


    take care
    niya

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  18. can feel it down right.. what you've written is exactly what human desires and emotions are like.. it's very hard to control what ur heart strongly desires.. very hard to stick to what is right and wrong when ur heart is involved..
    nicely said philo..
    but then, there does exist a right and wrong.. and you have to choose what is right for u too, in the long run..

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  19. I love the song. And I loved your story too! =)
    xo

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  20. WoW! This is wonderful writing again, dear Phil0! :-) You captured all of the emotions vividly of what I think one would feel in this type of situation.

    Sometimes we can be in relationships where there is great love but the passion isn't as equal. Sometimes we find that passion with someone else but we know they wouldn't be a good romantic partner for us. It's difficult to find someone that we are passionately in love with.

    Loved it! :-)

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  21. the angst is so powerfully expressed

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  22. So well put. Especially the set of emotions and cravings of love and desire.
    Is that being Unfaithful or is that trying to find out and realise what you really want :-)

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  23. Beautifully described the guilt and confusion. This post makes me remind of a line I read couple of days back,"Love happens once, rest all is just a life". :)

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  24. wow. I can relate it to my life and I believe it is one of the most painful phases of life. as you can't help it. But it gets okay with time. I used to wonder if I am the only one who is the victim of this kind of thing. There's a lot of complicated feelings bottled up inside.
    Luckily, I have crossed that phase. and I hope the same for you. :D
    what I believe is that its just the infatuation and nothing else. :)

    *sends you a box full of chocolates* :)
    cheers.

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  25. Beautifully expressed, yet again!

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  26. people always have a craving for the wrong things :-/
    and the momentary pleasure is always followed by guilt

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  27. This is one of your best pieces my friend. And take that as a since compliment. You wrote well, when someone first read this, they will just imagine it is you, I mean your life... but I know it's your better interpretation of the song! Good one! Sometimes, we lie, yes, but to the one we love? Why just let them go and let them free? Sometimes we are selfish to hold for our sake? we can just be both free so that we can find the things that we really seek for life... lol, time for love again... But honestly, I enjoy reading this and I am not mistaken to look and read this before your latest entry.

    P.S. Thank you for visiting my blog regularly, and where is your contact form ? Lol :) see you my friend :)

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  28. Love and lust so easily separated in this post. Nicely written...:)

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  29. Philo, Rihanna should read this... :)
    You've nicely separated the love and the lust.. Second Saru here...

    Cheers!

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  30. Isn't that just how the world works? :) I thought I'd visit your blog because a friend couldn't stop raving about this post! :D and I'm not regretting it at all...Loved the way you wrote it out...beautiful expressions...could imagine it completely :)

    Whenever I get a day off from college (and my current exams :@), I think I'll spend a whole day going through all your previous posts (I know, a day won't be enough, seeing the no. of posts you've written till now! :D, but still...;))
    Great work and thanks for going through my post too:)

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Your words mean a lot :)