Monday, April 16, 2012

Path to Nothing

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I wake up in the middle of the night. I’m sweating, panting. I’m scared. 
It will pass. 
Yes, the moment will go away. It was just another nightmare. 

I close my eyes and sit on my bed, waiting for my mind to calm down. But nothing happens. 
Gulping the pill that always lay on my side table, I close my eyes again. The medicine is supposed to relax me, it is meant to put me off to sleep. But no, it does not help. 
I pop in one more. No effect.
With my eyes open, my head hurts and everything around is black. 
With them closed, I see a monster. It chases me. I run. I yell. I scream but I can’t escape.

Lights on.
Lights off.
I switch on the lights again.
I’m still awake and still scared to close my eyes. Getting off my bed, I light a cigarette and lie down in my balcony. It’s cold. The smoke warms me. The nightlight burns my eyes, but I don’t blink. 

It’s all blur now. The stars hit my eyes and then disappear. My eyelids feel heavy as they slowly drop. Exhaling the last puff, my breath slows them. My body feels light. My soul-calm.

And then,
I see a girl running. A monster chases her. The girl yells. The monster catches her. 
I am the girl, and the monster is me. 

I run from myself. I’ve become someone I fail to recognize. My sides…they float when I’m asleep. 

The pills, the whiskey, the cigars.
Nothing helps. I have to face the person I have become. The masks I have to shed.

I want to move, but I can’t. I scream, but nobody can hear. The evil has caught hold of me. It crushes me, and turns me into nothing but smoke. I’m blur and hollow. 
It pricks, and then I feel nothing.
I float in emptiness. 


  1. what inspired you to write this?

  2. a sleepless night? for a reader like me, this sleepless night was worth the effect. but i am sure for some one who wrote this, who felt this - it wasnt easy! you take care of yourself. bless u.

    on a dif note, reply to comments here. u hav no idea how good it feels to come back and read the comments and be part fo the conversation years later :) at the end of the day, a conversation is what matters right? un - broken flow of words or rather emotions.

  3. It is a great story!! This what happens when you refuse to accept yourself!

  4. There isn't much worse than discovering that the monster you've been running from is the monster inside yourself. It's always good to confront it.

  5. Interesting dream and premise...they do tell us a lot about ourselves, things we can't face or hide ~

    Nice one ~

  6. Hi Philo,how are you? Miss you friend..:) I love this post, emotions here are seen and felt so deep.:) You're such a great with sharing Philo..:)

  7. sorry i am so late...the word verification would not let me comment earlier...

    did you read my post a few weeks ago about my nightmare? it is the same...chasing myself and i catch myself and raise my arm to strike and i wake up...had it when i was 16...

  8. maybe just a dream... let it go and move on...
    well, if the monster returns... then....

  9. Nicely written as long as not a reality:)

  10. I second Rahul Bhatia jee here. Beautifully written, as always. Hope its a fiction! :)

  11. very deep
    and something many of us would have felt at some point in time - i am the monster

  12. The two phases are well explained...
    very well executed..

  13. A very deep and intese poem....Loved it :)

  14. Philo,

    Travails of one who changes basic nature told so well.

    Take care

  15. God!!
    you express so very well..............

    we all have monsters inside least you are aware........
    i'm impressed!!!!

  16. The monster we run from happens to be within us and that is our worst fear!

  17. Loved your expressions here!

  18. ...You're amazing!!!

    *Deep breathing*

    This is deep, intense, hurtful. Something that doesn't let us live but can't make us die either. All that is experienced is that stifling life that chokes around the neck not letting the person breathe neither strangling enough to kill.

    I could picture the entire instance and it is scary.

    Your stories have great impact dear. Keep it up!

  19. wooooooooooow, girl you have talent!! are you putting all this into a book and sending it too publishing companies? cause you really should!

  20. what can i say..!
    if not in this sense but definitely each one of us have masks..!
    beautifully narrated ..! :)

  21. Brilliant and breathtaking! You have depicted the inner fears of a troubled soul beautifully.

  22. simply superb and lovely...I was hooked when I was reading this post...wonderful presentation...Keep it up:)

  23. very dark, like a step off the edge and into the void.

  24. Intense!!.Nightmares do make life miserable but its interpretation was very well.... I liked the last part of this write up...neat and clean

  25. Really well written...

    We fiht with monsters all the time... and sometimes, the monster lies in us, and we dont realise...

  26. intense.......dark.......exposing shallowness in life.....
    beautifully written....

  27. Wow.. Very deep and dark.. None has to pass through such thing in life.. Its so scary.. Well written..

  28. that was awesome... you just can't run from yourself... I've had these sleepless nights and you've described it perfectly!

    ~ your new fan. : )

  29. OMG.. It was deep and written so well Juhi.. Yes, we cant run away from the monster... Have to face it; no choice!!

  30. wow..reading this post made me feel as if its me going through all that stuff :O


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